


a little death

by Enochianess



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2020-03-08 04:52:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18887545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enochianess/pseuds/Enochianess
Summary: Sexual shenangians and pranks galore





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> FOR ASHLEY... since you have no glorious dick in real life, I've granted you with some quality gd crack content... I love you BITCH
> 
> THIS FIC IS COMPLETE CRACK AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS WITH YOUR PARTNER WITHOUT TELLING THEM FIRST AND PLEASE DO NOT GET ANGRY WITH ME

It's not that your sex life with Sebastian is getting boring or anything. No, that's not what makes you do it... you're just a major fucking crackhead that doesn't know when to fucking stop.

It's a typical Wednesday evening. You finished work at 6PM and went back to your apartment in Chelsea, where Sebastian was chilling out with your best friend and roommate, Ashley. He had already been to collect the Chinese takeout that you were craving so desperately, chicken balls and noodles waiting under a plate for when you got home.

After eating and chatting and watching trashy television for a couple of hours, Ashley said goodnight and went into her room to carry on with her video editing. You and Sebastian decided to turn in as well. You'd had a long day and you were tired, but also, you hadn't seen Sebastian for a couple of weeks while he was out of state filming for his upcoming movie. You were horny as hell and very ready for him to fuck all the stress and tension out of you, hopefully hard enough that it'd put you straight to sleep.

It's while you're perched on top of him, riding him at a leisurely pace, that the idea comes to you.

You speed up enough that Sebastian throws his head back and cries out and then you come to an abrupt halt and flop over his chest, holding your breath.

"Y/n?" he pants.

You stay silent, still.

"Y/n?" he says again, his voice stronger, louder. He shakes your shoulders a little, but you don't respond.

"Fuck, fuck," you hear him mutter, as he cranes his neck to try to get a look at your face.

"Ashley!" Sebastian yells, panic clear in his voice.

You try not to laugh as you hear your best friend shout back, "I swear, if you two haven't finished fucking... I'm not walking in on that shit again!"

"GET IN HERE! Y/n isn't- I think there's something wrong! FUCK!"

You hear the door creak open and just as Sebastian starts to say something, you sit bolt upright, slapping your hands down on his pecs and say, "SIKE! Guess who's still alive, BITCH."

Sebastian screams, eyes wide in shock. You hear Ashley fall through the doorway and when you turn around she's laying on the floor laughing, her long legs kicking out in hysterics. 

Sebastian looks between the two of you, eyes darting wildly from your naked body to the mess that is Ashley crying on the floor.

"You fucking didn't!" Ashley yells.

"What the fuck?" Sebastian mutters. "What? I-"

"Sorry, babe," you say, trying not to laugh as you rub at his chest to help calm his racing heart. "It's Ashley's fault."

"No," Ashley says from the floor. "Don't you blame this on me!"

"Will someone tell me what the fuck it going on?" Sebastian snaps.

"When we were younger," Ashley says, "we thought it'd be funny to like play dead in the middle of sex, but neither of us were getting any GD at the time and we weren't willing to settle for any DD so like we just never got the opportunity."

"What's GD?"

"Glorious Dick," you and Ashley say together, before Ashley continues to explain that, "GD means Glorious Dick, aka, you. DD means Disappointing Dick, aka, every other dick y/n has ever experienced."

"I hate you both so much," Sebastian groans, throwing a forearm over his eyes.

"If it makes you feel better," you say, "we had initially planned to tie up whoever we played the prank on, so technically you got off lightly."

"I thought I'd fucked you to death!" he shouts, peering over his arm to glare at you.

"She actually wants that on her gravestone. Fucked to death," Ashley says from where she's still sat on the floor.

Sebastian grabs the pillow from beneath his head and throws it at her.

"It's true," you say.

Sebastian looks up at you, and says, "If you don't get off my dick right now, you're never touching it ever again."

You move so fast you nearly fall off the bed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this is CRACK, so don't take it seriously

You have zero issue with Sebastian going at it solo. He goes away for weeks at a time. You both have needs. You sure as hell aren't going to deprive yourself, so why should he? However, when it is 6:30AM on a Tuesday morning and you're sitting at the breakfast bar with a big mug of coffee and a sad slice of peanut butter on toast, chatting quietly with Ashley about this and that, you're not expecting to hear the familiar wet _snick snick_ sound emanating from your bedroom.

> 1\. It is 6:30AM

> 2\. Sebastian fucked you literally all night

> 3\. He actually passed out still  _in_ you, so it's not as if you left him unsatisfied

"Is he-?" Ashley says, licking at the peanut butter that's somehow all over her fingers.

You try to ignore the mess that is your best friend and concentrate harder on the noise.

_Snick snick snick_

"What the literal fuck?"

"Boy is gonna give you some milk," Ashley says, winking exaggeratedly. "Well, at least he'll gonna get it all over your sheets."

"I put new sheets on just last night," you hiss at her. "The red silk ones!"

"Y/n, I literally heard the bed frame hit the fucking wall, don't act like those sheets are even remotely clean."

You would blush if it were anyone else, but Ashley has a habit of commenting on your sex life so often that you don't even react anymore. Your friendship is... unique, to say the least. Was it last week that she got bored of her boyfriend and his DD (Disappointing Dick) and stormed into your room demanding Sebastian get his cock out just so she could remind herself of what a GD (Glorious Dick) actually looks like? Her excuse being that she'd forgotten and she needed a visual for the next time she goes dick hunting.

"Look, they might be a little sweaty, but no dick milk got on them, I made  _sure_ of it. I told him that if he spurted on the sheets, he was gonna be out on the streets."

Ashley looks at you and sighs. "I want dick milk."

You spit out your coffee.

"I won't even spit. I'll  _swallow."_

"Ashley, last time you tried that you ran out onto the balcony and spat down onto the street. This is why I'm paranoid and constantly wear a hat now."

_Snick snick snick_

"Okay, nope, I won't take this slander," you say. "I touched his  _balls_ last night and now he's jerking it before I've even left the apartment. Nope." 

You storm over to the bedroom, Ashley following closely behind you, and throw the door open. Sebastian jolts where he's laying on his side and swears under his breath.

"What the fuck, y/n?"

"You're not jerking off?"

"What? No!" he snaps, sitting upright. "Do you want my dick to fall off or something?"

"But- we heard-" Ashley mutters.

"Ah shit," you say when you sit next to him on the bed. You run your fingers through his hair and let him rest his head on your shoulder, as you take his phone and show Ashley.

"You're watching YouTube videos of seals slapping their bellies..." she says.

"It's  _cute,"_ he defends himself.

"I never see any dick," Ashley mutters on her way out. "Fuck this shit."


	3. I wish this wasn't based on real life experience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> siiiiiiigh my life is a shambles and who knows, maybe I'm eating for two right now... anyway, Ashley, this is for you daddy

You wake up to Sebastian loudly yelling a resounding, "FUCK!"

It takes you a moment to surface from sleep, mostly because you're so fucking hungover that throwing yourself out the window sounds like a really viable option right now.

Then, it all comes back and -- "FUCK!"

You hear Sebastian groan and run out the room, and then, a moment later, him throwing up in the bathroom next door.

"Sooooo," Ashley says as she shuffles into your room and sits beside you, wearing a fluffy bathrobe that you're pretty sure is yours. "You two got PISSED last night, bro. I'm talking like apoplectic."

"Ughhhh."

"Seabass doesn't seem to be taking it too well," she snickers as you hear him hurl again.

"Ashley, we really fucked up this time," you say, closing your eyes tightly against a wave of nausea.

"What the fuck did you do?"

"Well... you know, like, condoms??"

"Yeah..."

"Didn't use one."

"You-? Babe, epic mistake."

With that, you roll over and throw up over the side of the bed.

*

You get the morning after pill, but you're told that if you've already ovulated then basically you're fucked. You check your period tracking app and, surprise surprise, you're in your 'fertile window'. 

You're not freaking out.

Of course you're not freaking out.

Cool as a fucking cucumber, you are.

Except, "So, like, does this mean I can be godmother?"

"ASHLEY I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU," Sebastian whisper yells.

"Funny how I'm the pregnant one and you're the one with all the hormones," you mutter.

"Y/n... you're not fucking pregnant."

"How would you know, you're just the one who shot his load in my WOMB."

Sebastian drops his head in his hands and screams.

So, yeah... it's like that.

*

"I'm preggers, totally fucking preggers, aren't I? I mean, I'm not ready to have a baby. Can't even look after my fucking self. And like-- I don't wanna get fat," you ramble to Ashley.

"So have an abortion?"

"But my BABY," you say, hugging your lower stomach.

"Make up your mind, y/n, do you want it or not?"

"You're gonna make me cry."

*

"I mean, at least I don't have to worry about STDs, like, I know where he's been," you mutter.

"Hmm," Ashley says.

"FUCK WHAT IF I'M DISEASED AND PREGNANT?!"

*

The day you get your period, Sebastian is so happy he cries.

You hug him and say, "We're getting your dick chopped off."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this wasn't that funny, but I've been having my own freak out and thought writing this would help.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [tumblr](http://enochianess.tumblr.com) and on [twitter](http://twitter.com/buckyandsteeb)
> 
> If you liked it, please leave kudos or comments!


End file.
